Its my last book in to Pulau Tekong for now... As usual, I'm not looking forward to it, but I promised God that I will be joyful. So I should.

My POP is next saturday. What lies beyond I do not know.
What I do know is that I will not worry or be anxious.
I will cling close to You & walk the path that is laid before me.
You are telling me this... Its been repeated over & over again.
So I know you're preparing me. I know I just have to trust You.

Today was spent doing drills & practicing for the CO evening. There was SOC in the late evening for those who didn't complete it yesterday. Thank God I managed to clear it. Got quite a good timing too. 9 minutes 35 seconds. Really thank God that I mangaged to clear it because SOC isn't just about speed or endurance. You might be the fittest guy on the planet but once you screw up on any of the obstacles, it could mean failure. Praise God that I cleared my 'weak' obstacles, the low wall and the low rope. The lighter webbing that we wore also helped.

So today I was part of the team of pacers that were to run alongside the participating recruits & encourage them. Minus the obstacles... I was running with my buddy who was doing well till the swing trainer (similar to monkey bars). HE simply couldn't clear that obstacle. Although he completed the rest of the course, it was no use because if you fail one, you fail all.

Really had fun at the OC evening yesterday. Each platoon performed, imitated, sang, danced, joked and even did physical training for the entire company. It was so much more entertaining than I expected. I also got a chance to play the guitar & sing 'girl on friendster'. I was quite nervous so throughout the song, I was looking at the floor with occasional glances up. However, I got quite an amazing response from the company. It was my first standing ovation ever!! Even the officers & instructors were cheering! I also played 'the reason' by Hoobastank while some of the platoon sang.
Arnon awed the company with his techno music & yoyo tricks. Turns out he was some semi-professional yoyo-er. We did well enough to earn 2nd place... Hopefully I'll be able to get a copy of the video recording or at least the photos!

Just found out recently that my platoon mates have got a rather good impression of me. They were saying that it was possible for me to get into OCS. It came as a shock that people noticed my effort. I pray that the officers see this as well...

The cycle always repeats itself. I don't like booking in. But I know I'll feel better once I'm in. The only difference today is that my family isn't around. So even with the music on, I feel kinda lonely. But thank God that I'm never truly alone.

Who will I turn to in times like this? When you want someone special to pour your heart out to. Someone you don't have to feel shy with. Someone whom you can appear weak with and not be ashamed about it. No one can be strong all the time. No one can stay 'above it all' at every moment.
One of these days... There will be someone who sees through this flawed outer shell & be surprised. Someone will see the effort it took to get here as well as find qualities where I see none. But for now, I look to God as my guiding star to get me to where I need to be.

Dear Lord... Thank you for your faithfulness. I am convinced that I could not have made it without you. Not without your presence beside me at every moment, running beside me, training with me, comforting me, carrying me. Not without your touch that either speeds up recovery or heals instantly. Not without your words of encouragement that soothes me to sleep at night.
Lord. Hold me and calm my restlessness. Amen...

After SOC this morning, there's been nothing much happening. Been having admin time since lunch. Doing a bit of reading, a bit of sleeping & lots of thinking. Especially about where I'm going after POP.
*Just got back our platoon photo. I paid nine bucks for it and they spelt my name as 'Daril'. I'm not happy at all... Some of the guys don't even have their name in it. Some memoir.*

Looking ahead, I see lots of difficult times... With training that is going to be much worse than BMT. But then I ask myself, thousands of others have gone into command schools & have done well. This is assuming that I'm even selected for command school. Its already a disappointment that I might not be able to make it for OCS. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad since most of the diploma batches go to SISPEC. Should I even bother giving my best now that I've missed the 'big prize'?

Reasons why I won't get into OCS:
1)SIT. test... I wasn't fantastic.
2)Its tough physically. Sometimes I feel like dying after things like SOC or 2.4 km run.
3)Do I really wanna go through the difficulty of command school for the rest of my NS?
4)Hearing my section mates complain about every single thing in BMT. I've been blocking it out for 2 months but it feels like its getting to me.
5)Why bother giving all your effort when just a bit is enough to pass?
6)Uncertainty... Even if I do get a Gold for IPPT & do well for SOC (under 10 minutes). It won't guarantee me a place in OCS?

I've been brooding over this long enough... My responsibilty is to do my best with a joyful heart. Where I go, He will lead. Whether or not its OCS, SISPEC or missing command school entirely.

Medical Center
Waiting here for my turn to see the medical officer (MO). Its been a while since I was last here. I'm not that bad. I decided to come because I need the rest. Especially for my legs. Soccer on saturday left me with aching muscles & a stretched hamsteing... I should recover in a couple of days... Just in time for my 16 km route march. The rest of the company are having foot drills now. Today will be quite a tiring day for them. Weights & Circuits later, BCCT after lunch & an Enduring Training (ET) Run in the evening. I'm glad for this time to rest. Didn't get as much as I should have during the long break. There's also more things to thing & pray about. For youth camp & also the changes in the XS cell ministry.

From what I've heard youth camp registration has been quite slow. I think there are about 50 people and not enough new friends. One issue I have with XS activities... Are they appealing to people my age? I'm classified as a young adult already. I'm sure there are some of my friends who would enjoy themselves despite the age differences. But what about those who can't because of different interests? I look at the new batch of XS youth & I recognise them as the little toddlers who used to be running around, pretending to be power rangers or some other equivelent cartoon character. Of course it can be said that I used to be like that & thats how the older members of Charis saw me too.

I remember the days where Ruth & I would joing the MYFers in the old conference room while our parents were having choir practice. I remember sensing the patience of the MYFers wear out as they had enough playing with me. Its not their fault. I was quite troublesome as a young child. But it wasn't just MYF. I dare say that at a young age, I had an awareness of spiritual things. Not an understanding, I was too young for that, but an awareness. I was hungry for the things of God... But there was a lack of encouragement from the adults?

I remember an incident where there was a book sale in the old social hall. And there was this 'pray for the nations' bookk that caught my interest. I was telling my dad that I wanted to get it and the book seller, a church member, remarked to my dad in front of me, "Are you sure he can understand? Why not get him the children's version? Got more pictures & simpler words."
That made me indignant and I think that it was one of the things that made me start questioning the faith and started the first falling away. It was still because of my own bad decisions but this was one of the 'push' factors. My point is, I don't want to water down any of the youth now but help them to grasp hold of & understand the things of God. But back to the point. Why is there a gap between XS & the young adults? Should there be something catered specifically for young adults? Army guys? Or are we just catering for certain kinds of youth?

*Paragraph Removed*

I'm now in the sick bay having a rest. Of all the problems I had, they admitted me in for sores eyes. I just took my lunch, my cough & flu medicine. Getting drowsy already. I'm probably going to do a little reading when I wake up.
*dozed off at 12.45pm*

::: Song of the Day :::
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that I hate more than anything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

When I go down, I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, only if I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end of this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do it makes me light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
| relient k - when I go down |

I'm so satisfied with my long weekend. It couldn't have been better. Spent catching up with friends and family. Did a bit of shopping, a little exercise of swimming & soccer and a lot of eating. I think I spent almost $200 during these 5 days. T-shirts, taxi fares, good food...

Played soccer with Gerald's JC friends on saturday night. Its been awhile since I've played soccer. Feel out of touch. I dare say I'm a lot fitter than before though. But its not saying anything much when everyone you're playing with is super fit as well... Most of Gerald's friends were fresh out of BMT and there were quite a lot of Officer Cadet Trainees (OCT). So most of them could run around non-stop. Managed to score a beautiful long distance goal. I hit the ball with my outstep, it hit the crossbar and bounced in.

Had GG meeting in church after service today... There are going to be changes in the XS cell structure. Its been a long time coming. I think it will be good if everyone accepts it willingly. But I have a feeling that there will be some who won't warm up to the idea. But if this is the way God tells the leaders that we should go, shouldn't we submit to their leadership? The only problem I feel is that I won't have the time to lead a cell. Especially not if I go to command school. I don't know... Will I have to give up one responsibility to fulfill another?

I miss Spunky...

We just had a movie marathon of anger management, catwoman and gothika... Only the last movie was one that I hadn't watched before and it was quite entertaining. Quite gripping! But anyway... I'm enjoying myself! Although I haven't had enough rest, it feels good to be able to sit back and not worry about what time I have to wake up or how long I have left to fall in. The rest that I need now is both mental and physical.

The last 3 days were quite enjoyable although booking out was the only thing on my mind. I got silver for my IPPT again. Improved my Standing Broad Jump to 4 points but still need to work on my chin ups. Managed to get 9 minutes and 57 seconds for my 2.4km. A good thing considering that I running when I was ill. Had to also resist the temptation to fall out from the run after seeing other recruits walking to the sides of the track after 2 or 3 rounds.

The highlight of the week was definitely throwing the grenade... There's something about throwing that little piece of equipment containing enough power to take life that made me feel sick and powerful at the same time. I hope and pray that I never ever have to use one of those.

Its all over... No more outfield for the rest of BMT! I don't mind going outfield actually. Its just that going out less than one week after I field camp is really strenuous. SIT was really a challenge... Marching around on the reclaimed land in the hot sun for hours. I really can't imagine going through it again. Its the only thing I passionately dread about NS. I don't know whether my performance was good enough to earn me a recommendation to get into OCS(become an officer). At least I can be proud that I really gave my best. (cheesy but true!)

Now the only hurdles left are IPPT and SOC. These shouldn't be much of a problem. I got silver for my trial IPPT test. I thought I wouldn't be able to hit silver because of my 2.4km run. But it turns out I almost hit the gold standard timing of 9 minutes and 45 seconds. I was 4 seconds off... Its surprised me because it is the first time I've run under 11 minutes. Really pushed myself for it though. All the while during the run I was panting, 'God, help me.. God, help me!' And I managed to press on and keep running.

Guard duty last week wasn't too bad. I got to worship and pray for 2 hours at a time. While having a beautiful scenery to praise God for. It was really quite relaxing to be in the presence of God. Prayed for my family as well as the cell... I can see why they say BMT is an experience you'll never forget. How to forget when every activity is filled with situations that stir almost every emotion?

Booking out again on wednesday... Could really use the long break to rest and catch up with friends again. Soccer match next Saturday!!! I don't know if its me or anything, but I feel that church has lost its warmth. Don't get me wrong, the people are fine but I feel a little bit distant from them. Hopefully it'll get better in time.